We all know what day it is – 4/20! Today is the day I transcend my default human form and devote my physical body to marijuana. As I woke up this morning, my eyes shot directly to my calendar, where I saw the first 19 blocks of April adorned with my signature ‘slash’ mark. This denoted that those particular days had passed. Naturally, the first block with no slash mark was the day in which the viewer would find themselves observing the calendar. I was sure right then and there that it was 4/20!
I knew what I had to do. I had to physically modify my body into the ultimate smoking machine. I realized that this would give me immense pleasure and I leaped out of bed energized by my new mission. The first step in fully realizing a plan to devote myself completely to cannabis was to transform my mouth and esophagus into a device used for the inhalation of smoke. Eating, breathing, and speaking would now take a backseat to inhaling the smoke produced by burning marijuana. I quickly gathered the materials I needed at home depot and hurried home.
As I attempted to shove various pipes I had purchased down my throat, I realized I was in over my head, and would need to surgically implant the pipes, so I called my cousin Gabriel. Gabriel is a first year student at the Veterinarian Technician’s Institute, so I knew he would be the perfect man for the job. Gabe arrived about an hour later and I told him what I needed done. I instructed Gabe to cut into my torso and implant the pvc pipes where the airway at the back of my mouth hole connected to my lungs. I also instructed Gabe to remove my teeth and install a round metal bowl so that I could light up right inside my mouth.
Gabe looked at me hesitantly and explained that he had no surgical experience. He told me that on only one occasion he was present at an operation during his studies and that the procedure was on a horse. I honestly didn’t care. Gabe hooked me up to an i.v., heavily sedated me with horse tranquilizers, and began the operation. The next thing I knew, I was waking up with a brand new pipe in my throat. I was ecstatic, but before I lit up my first bowl, I realized something. My body has many holes, not just my mouth. Why not utilize all my holes to consume that sweet smoke? The quest was on!
After gathering more materials and more horse tranquilizer, I drew up some schematics and handed them to Gabe. Gabe was even more hesitant this time, so I slapped him across his face as hard as I could and threatened to shoot him with my gun if he did not operate on me– things went smoothly after that. Four grueling hours later, I awoke in my bed, very sore and wrapped in bandages. I called for Gabe but received no reply. A small piece of paper sat on my bedside table that read “Good Luck :( - Gabe.” As I peeled away the bloody bandages, tears of joy began forming in my eyes. Finally I had become what I always dreamed – a human being designed solely for the purpose of inhaling marijuana smoke.
I waddled to the bathroom so I could gaze into the mirror and fully discern the thing that I had become. A clear tube now shot out of my anus and wrapped around my torso where it ended at a bowl mounted to my chest. Two small tubes were now wedged in the corners of my eyes and connected to the same bowl. My nostrils had been widened greatly and were now also adorned with tubes connected to the ‘mother bowl’ mounted on my chest. My head was now completely shaved and Gabe had installed incense mounters into my skull. This way, I could burn a little incense while I toked up! Finally, I turned around to reveal the tattoo I had instructed Gabe to install. Bob Marley’s face now covered my entire back. Underneath was a small pot leaf tramp stamp. I felt absolutely complete. As I lay back down in bed and suck down that sweet smoke, I began to feel completely calm and at ease. I thought to myself that I had neglected a few holes though – namely my ears and urethra. Those holes would have to wait until next year. My time had come to toke and smoke. This was the man I had always wanted to be. Happy 4/20 guys, time to toke up!