Realm News / lust list
1. Matthew Pierce Bridgers
This walking piece of garbage has mistakenly been picked up and taken to the dump by garbage men on garbage day while checking his mail-box fifteen times. Matt is the product of a cruel and on going experiment in which subjects are exposed to deadly chemicals from infancy. Call him at 912-659-2480
2. The Vomit Boys
We've all seen the vomit boys roaming around town like rouge spray-warriors covering the city in their viscous bile! Be sure to catch them on Friday: their sea-food night; on this night the scent of their spray resembles a heaping pile of dirty, rotten clams!
3. Dug Simpon
Catch this hottie hiding by the doors aisle in Home Depot. After an 8-year career in corporate espionage, DS has recently become the sole heir of the McDonalds fast food company.
4. Ejaculating Penis
Everyone's favorite hipster hunk can usually be found at Gabriel's Tavern quenching his seemingly unending thirst with a pitcher of Bill's Brew while munching on a fist full of pellets.
5. Sparkle Boy
When Sparkle Boy first arrived in town we knew something was wrong. SB is wanted in nine different states for a slew of felonies and can often be spotted running desperately southbound on a dirt path parallel to I-85. Rumor has it our Sparkle Boy has recently acquired a horse and is making some great headway towards the border! If you see a bony 8-foot tall breathless freak bareback mounted on a horse galloping down the highway, please call 9-11.