Realm News / RealmNews
This morning at around 6:00am I awoke to several alarming voice messages on my phone. The first sounded like a man groaning in pain – the audio was very crisp and clear, which made the grunts and moans even more disturbing. This initial voicemail only lasted for about 10 seconds and ended with the man screaming what sounded like “YEP!!” The next message, from the same number, was what seemed like the same man, giggling like a baby. In the background I could hear what sounded like someone slapping a wet piece of meat against the wall. I checked the area code on the number and discovered that the calls were coming from Miami Florida.
I racked my brain wondering who I knew down there and why I would be receiving such strange messages so early in the morning. Then it hit me – My cousin and business partner Gabriel was in Miami for the weekend attending a ball claw convention. Gabe and I are in charge of a small local shop that sells ball claws and small balls. If you’re not familiar with ball claws, then let me give you a little lesson; ball claws are the next BIG thing for in home entertainment. Basically, a ball claw is a small clasping mechanism that is primarily used to pick up small balls. When you purchase a Ball Claw, you also receive a basket of small balls. Simply dump the basket out around your house and enjoy hours of fun picking up the balls and putting them back in the basket. In short – these things are going to change the entertainment game!
Anyway – after realizing it was probably Gabe on the other end of the line, I got worried. In the first voice message Gabe seemed like he was in a lot of pain. In the second he was laughing hysterically. My first thought was that Gabe had gotten ahold of some bad acid. Gabe loves doing psychedelic drugs and often times I find him in various nooks and crannies around the store hiding and staring deep into space. Once I found him in the cupboard! Another time he came into work wearing tennis shoes with NO SOCKS! I quickly called the number back but there was no answer. I texted the number instead – “Gabe is that you? U doing O.K.?” A little over an hour later, I received this picture:
I didn’t really know what to think other than that Gabe was probably on the beach just enjoying a nice day. But how could I know if this was Gabe at all? I sent another text – “Gabe is that really you? Could you send me an image of yourself?” About 20 minutes later I received this:
OK – so now I knew this was definitely Gabe on the other end. Even though I had visual confirmation, I was still worried. I called the number again and finally got Gabe on the line. He explained to me that he had left the convention and stumbled onto the beach after taking some pills an elderly Russian man sold him next to the port-o-johns behind the convention center and that now he was on a mission to excavate a giant prehistoric snake named ahk – mahn that lived under the sands of Miami beach. According to him, this was a creature that had some mystical power over him. He went on the tell me that if he didn’t perform ahk – mahn’s mandate (AMM) then he would be punished by ahk – mahn’s servants (AMS) who manifested themselves as massive round orbs (MRO) and engulfed ahk – mahn’s disobedient minions (AMDM). I was beginning to think that Gabe may have gotten ahold of some sort of hallucinogenic drugs.
I asked Gabe if he had talked to our Ball Claw sales rep, Gary, at all, and if he had spoken with Gary about the deal we had been attempting to broker via email for the past couple of weeks. This was a big one for us; we needed more Ball Claws – and fast! So, we wanted Gary to go above and beyond our standard order of Ball Claws, as well as Balls! We needed 10 times more claws AND BALLS! Gabe had no idea what I was talking about and it was clear that he had not made contact with Gary. I got online and booked a flight to Miami.
24 hours later, I was walking along Miami Beach frantically searching for Gabe but he was nowhere to be found. Gabe would not answer my calls or my texts until I had been searching for hours. These are the photos I began to receive as ‘clues’ as to where Gabe was.
After hours of exhausting and frantic searching – I finally found Gabe. He was lying in a massive hole he had dug; his eyes staring straight up at the sun. He was fully erect. I climbed into the hole and drug him out – this made quite a scene! I shouted at Gabes face, “Where is Gary?! We need those Ball Claws!”, all that Gabe returned was a vacant stare and a drooling agape mouth. I hurled Gabe over my shoulder and marched towards the convention center. When I made it to Gary’s booth at the Ball Claw convention, I smashed Gabe down on the table and began screaming at Gary. “HELLO GARY, GABE AND I HAVE MADE IT TO MIAMI WE NEED MORE BALL CLAWS AND BALLS. WE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THESE REVOLUTIONARY TOYS AND THEY ARE FLYING OFF THE SHELVES. PLEASE GIVE US WHAT WE DESIRE – BALL CLAWS AND BALLS TO SELL. WE MUST PROVIDE OUR COMMUNITY WITH AMPLE BALL CLAWS AND BALLS.” Gary took a moment to let it sink in. He looked at me, then down at Gabe, now fully unconscious on the table. The serious look on his face slowly turned into a sly grin, “Absolutely baby…” me muttered. Those nearby who had overheard the exchange began to applaud as I started to tear up and sob. I grabbed Gabe and ran as fast I could to the airport. We flew straight home and waited patiently for our new (massive) shipment of Ball Claws – AND Balls! When they came it was like Christmas morning. That was a week ago – and guess what? WE HAVE JUST NOW SOLD ALL OF OUR BALL CLAWS AND BALLS! SOLD OUT BABY! Please visit our store next week to purchase a Ball Claw and a basket-o-balls to play with. Thank you so much and have a blessed day!
1. Matthew Pierce Bridgers
This walking piece of garbage has mistakenly been picked up and taken to the dump by garbage men on garbage day while checking his mail-box fifteen times. Matt is the product of a cruel and on going experiment in which subjects are exposed to deadly chemicals from infancy. Call him at 912-659-2480
2. The Vomit Boys
We've all seen the vomit boys roaming around town like rouge spray-warriors covering the city in their viscous bile! Be sure to catch them on Friday: their sea-food night; on this night the scent of their spray resembles a heaping pile of dirty, rotten clams!
3. Dug Simpon
Catch this hottie hiding by the doors aisle in Home Depot. After an 8-year career in corporate espionage, DS has recently become the sole heir of the McDonalds fast food company.
4. Ejaculating Penis
Everyone's favorite hipster hunk can usually be found at Gabriel's Tavern quenching his seemingly unending thirst with a pitcher of Bill's Brew while munching on a fist full of pellets.
5. Sparkle Boy
When Sparkle Boy first arrived in town we knew something was wrong. SB is wanted in nine different states for a slew of felonies and can often be spotted running desperately southbound on a dirt path parallel to I-85. Rumor has it our Sparkle Boy has recently acquired a horse and is making some great headway towards the border! If you see a bony 8-foot tall breathless freak bareback mounted on a horse galloping down the highway, please call 9-11.
We all know him - he's one of the most prominent masters in the Realm, and a force to be reckoned with on the battle field! He's Lord Primm, one of our most worshipful and merciful lords! Praise be to Primm and praise be to the Skeletonton gods for allowing him to grace us with his presence for 60 years!
Lord Primm was born in Golbinsbog on this day in 1955 to peasant parents. For the first 3 years of his life, Goblins bog was suffering from one of the worst diarrhea outbreaks in history, thanks to a particularly rotten shipment of turnips. Nonetheless, Lord Primm grew into a strong boy and quickly asserted his physical dominance over the other children of the village. Before he was 30, Primm had mounted an army and enslaved almost every member of Goblinsbog to work in his large pumping factory. The hours were hard for his peasants, and they certainly did not enjoy operating Primm's massive pumps.
Now, the name Lord Primm is synonymous with power and prestige. Happy birthday Lord Primm!
Celebrations will be held this evening behind the dumpster next to Checkers at 420 Moreland Ave SE, Atlanta, GA 30316
Pictured: Lord Primm (Right) and his cousin Gabriel.